STOP. BREATHING!!

Gah… Have you ever been so IRRITATED by a person that even the way they BREATHE pisses you off? *running in circles of mad frustration* I seriously, seriously detest my uncle. (That would be Sam Chon #3, the one visiting from China.) There are a number of reasons, which I’m not going to get into because my blood pressure would probably go through the roof, but let me get on with my blog. *forced smile*

Chi and I had planned to meet at Ichon station before going to Yongsan to catch a movie. My uncle was on the way out to wherever he was going and wanted to tag along because he didn’t know how to get to the subway station from the apartment. Grudgingly, I agreed. Then Emo decides that we should take her car instead so I got to spend a lovely 45 minutes, trapped in a small space, listening to the irritating way that he breathes! The only upside being, I actually arrived ten minutes EARLY. Chi was so surprised that he wasn’t prepared and arrived ten minutes late. (He must have thought that I would be late for some reason…)

I began to come to the realization that maybe my ice cream obsession was getting out of hand when Chi finally showed up. Since I had been waiting in front of the supermarket, I thought I would buy one to munch on to pass the time. Chi’s first remark upon arrival was, “Hey! I was going to buy you an ice cream.” *blinks* Do I really eat ice cream THAT much? *perusing through past blogs* Hah! No wonder I’ve gained over ten pounds in the past month. But I’m not giving it up! NEVER!! I don’t know when I’m coming back so I have to stock up. *pleading for understanding*

Anyway, we got to Yongsan and proceeded to take a number to buy our movie tickets. *questioning look* It was like being at the DMV but with a much shorter wait. Our movie of choice: Spiderman 3. Um, yeah. *embarrassed* But to be honest, there wasn’t really anything else to see. It had the potential to be good, right? We had a couple of hours before the movie started so we decided to have lunch. YAY! *so hungry* We went to a Japanese place and Chi had soba while I had sushi. It was pretty damn mediocre. Oh, well.

We wandered around and looked at different stores. *screams in excitement* Oh my god! They had the SARS masks!! *happy dance* (Ok, in reality, they are not masks for SARS. But I think that’s the image Americans carry in their heads because they’ve only seen the masks in that context. People wear them when they’re sick in order not to spread their cold. Another reason being, in the spring, a wind blows in from China with a lot of grit. It has been known to cause lung infections so people wear the masks to prevent crap from getting into their chests. ANYWAY…) They were so cute that I had to buy a couple. Ok, ten. *innocent look* I’m going to start a new fashion craze in the States. *laughs*

We split a yummy strawberry bingsoo before heading into the movie theatre to grab out assigned seats. Yes. They assign movie theatre seats in Korea. *startled* In any case, the movie was ok. There was just so much crying that I wanted to pull my hair out at times but I refrained. Afterwards, we walked the entire way back to Ichon. (Puhahaha, I make it sound like a long way. It’s only one stop on the subway.) We had chicken again and talked. Then we walked to the Han River and talked some more.

It was interesting, exasperating, provoking and enlightening. In struggling to try and verbalize my opinions as well as defending them heatedly, I cried a lot. Not to blame Chi, I would have cried anyway. It just made me realize how much I missed having someone who just understands me. Or who listens to what I have to say without making me feel judged but is still able to express opinion. I miss knowing that no matter what I do or say or feel, that there is someone who loves me anyway.

I miss my dad.

Closed for renovation

In all my ramblings of yesterday, I forgot to mention a most important thing. I experienced sweet potato pizza for the first time. Oh. My. God. Where have you been all my life? *drool*
In any case, I woke up this morning to Matt’s call. The plan for today was to go to an amusement park with Hyun Ji since her mid-terms were over and she had the day off. But she had stayed up so late last night on the computer that she was sleeping in! *grumpy but can’t blame her* She finally woke up at 1pm. (Ok, so I couldn’t stand it anymore and went in there to make a little noise to see if she would wake up. *sneaky, sneaky*) I had thought to go to Lotte World. Hyun Ji wanted to go to Seoul Land. To be honest I didn’t care but then Emo said there was a store she wanted us to stop by if we went to Lotte World.

So we asked Hyun Ho to check the computer to make sure the amusement park was open today. He scoffed at us. (Yes! The nerve of him!!) And proceeded to tell us, OF COURSE it was open. Teenagers. *rolls eyes* Whatever. So we left. It took us over an hour to get there because it takes at least fifteen minutes just to get to the subway station and then it’s far anyway. Once we got there, we had to look for the store that Emo wanted us to go to because we weren’t planning on being out of the park before dark. By then, everything would be closed.

We got distracted along the way and I ended up buying three dresses. We looked at a lot of different stores. Finally we found the one that Emo wanted us to go to. After we stashed all of our purchases in a locker, we headed into the Lotte Department store for a bite to eat. It was an odd system where you pay for your food at the register and then they give you a ticket to pick it up at the proper kiosk. *squinting up at the menu* It made it hard for me to choose what I wanted to eat because I couldn’t see it in front of me.

We ate a lot. *patting my fat little belly* A quick stop at the restroom prior to leaving the food court was entertaining. Some girl was wearing a hideous silver jacket with a large conversation bubble on it. In it were the words, “Tom, so you envy my cheese?” *silence* What does that mean?!? Cheese as in money or cheese as in real cheese? And who is this Tom? As in Tom and Jerry?? In that case, the cheese comment might make sense. Korean people and their fashion sense. It’s very, very…odd.

By then it was nearing evening and we figured we should probably get to the park if we were going to have any fun before it was time to go home. *almost an hour later* We couldn’t find the entrance. And then we realized, we couldn’t find the entrance because the place was closed! DAMN YOU, HYUN HO!! *leaking angry tears* Oh, well. Whatever. At least I bought a few things. Had I wasted the whole day… So, we did the natural thing, ate ice cream and headed home.

On the way, Chi called me and asked if I wanted to meet up. I said I could make it to Shinchon by 730pm. He misheard me and had been waiting since 630pm. And then I was half an hour late! *embarrassed again* It was a good thing he had a book with him. Then we went to this…thing. Oh my god, it was hysterical. It was called a Cyworld Meeting. I didn’t know that a Meeting in Korea was rather like a large group date!! I had fun just meeting people though. The best being Steve. Steve was awesome. He said he would “like to make a friendly” with Chi and wouldn’t let go of his hand after shaking it. *laughing at Chi’s vaguely uncomfortable expression while furtively trying to get his hand back* After another ice cream break, it was time to go home.

It’s a love/hate kind of a thing

Cognitive Dissonace. This is the psychological term that describes the excruciating tension one experiences when holding two conflicting ideas at the same time or when engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs. This is the only way I can describe what it feels like to grow up in two cultures. There is always inconsistency and discordance and trying to find common ground is like trying to find footing in quicksand.

I love being both Korean and American. I love being Korean because there is so much tradition and ritual that defines the people and the culture. I love the time that I spent here and my family is such a large part of me. There are basic convictions that I don’t even remember adopting because I was conditioned to them since birth, beliefs that I know as unquestionable. Yet my American side questions them. And although I love that about my other half, it plays havoc with my peace of mind and tears my heart to pieces.

My independence struggles with the need to conform. I respect my elders but also think they need to behave in a way to keep that respect. I bow my head and assent when I want to say no and I dig in my heels when I should give in graciously. Within me is still an angry five year old, learning that the world I live in only loves me for my looks and being thin is equivalent to perfection. Even after living in the States for years, I still struggle to accept the American idea of self esteem. I find it hard to love myself for who I am and not how people judge me.

When I am in America, I am set apart by what seems to be random moments of vicious conservativeness. But to me, they are not random. I may not be able to explain them but I know that somewhere there are people, what I consider my people, that also accept them to be true. Yet when I am here in Korea, these are not my people. I am set apart by my tattoos, the casual way I dress, how I laugh too loud in public, my openness in discussing any topic but mostly by the color of my skin. I don’t belong here either.

Being bi-racial is a blessing. It opens up doors to experiences in ways that are closed to others. You get to live the lives of two people. But that in itself is also the curse because those two people don’t always get along. And sometimes, they hate each other because there are issues you just cannot reconcile. Then you pick a side and hope you pick the right one, knowing that a part of you despises yourself for making that decision. This life is all-inclusive yet isolating, uplifting yet disheartening, freeing yet I am held captive.

Sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it? But that is why I love it here and hate it here. Why I’m still finding it hard to accept myself the way that I am because I still don’t know where I stand on certain issues. I feel like I’ve been afflicted with multiple personality disorder and yet I would do the same to my own children. Does that make any sense? The greater good of understanding two cultures is more important than the life of one individual. How is that for combining the Asian group mentality with American globalism?

A blah day

Today was devoted to doing nothing. I did not even leave the house. I talked to Matt in the morning, my mom and everyone left for the country this afternoon and then Jennifer Kleckner’s mom called to tell me that I needed to be present at the wedding on Monday. Basically, I sat at home and paid homage to the divinity that is MySpace. Just kidding. Sort of… *sheepish grin*

I did watch a crazy show last night. I think it’s called S.O.S. Basically, they go find extreme situations and then try to help or something like that. In the show, there was a man who was at the mercy of his wife since having had a stroke. He was confined to bed rest and she was refusing to feed him. He looked like a skeleton with skin. It was pretty gross. At first, you think the wife is a hurking bitch. I mean, the man is invalid. The least you could do it feed him.

But then it turns out that he used to beat her a lot when he was healthy. Not to say that he deserved to starve to death but you start seeing the whole picture. Then you find out that even after he had a stroke, the man used to ask her to make him a special meal and then refuse to eat it. Or he would ask for water and when she would bring it, he would throw it on the floor and tell her to go get him milk. All she wanted was for him to apologize but he was so stubborn she decided to try starving him into submission. Anyway, in the end he was rehabilitated and they went to counseling and seem to be trying to work things out. WEIRD!

My beautiful pink nails

ACK! I was about to be late. I was hauling ass but the prospect looked grim. *frantically looking around for a solution* I cabbed it. Puhahaha. I thought I was taking the easy way out by not giving Yun Sook a chance to lecture me. I hadn’t counted on the cab driver. *glum* He asked why I was in such a hurry and, because I was in such a hurry, I didn’t think before responding. And the lecture commenced. It was somewhat interesting in that there is a Korean saying (that I had been unaware of) that the reason Korean ajjumahs are always late is because their heavy butts. *cracking up*

(Advertising on the subway. Cool, huh?!?)

Yun Sook and I wandered around and looked at all sorts of stores. The first and foremost being a condom store. Gosh, it was small! Erm, the store…not other things. *cough* Anyway, moving on. Ooh. My new favorite store is Skin Food! It’s super cute and they have cool stuff. I bought a black sugar facial scrub and a cheese facial pack. Don’t ask. I don’t know. I was caught up in the excitement of purchasing things. It’s so overwhelming sometimes. *overwhelmed* And once more, moving on. *nonchalant whistle*

We looked at a lot of clothing stores since Yun Sook was looking for some tops. I held firm to the belief that Korean clothing was not for me. But the more we went into stores, the more I wanted to buy something. (Remember, shoes were no longer ok for me to buy.) So I finally purchased a skirt. I had really wanted to try it on before buying it to see if it would look ok. But in Korea, they seem to have a policy that you have to buy most things before you can try it on. And if you don’t like it after that, you can’t return it but you can exchange it for something else in the store. *exasperated*

I bought a black jersey mini. Seeing as though I had already purchased it, I figured I could try it on. Thank god, I only paid $7 for it. As soon as I tried tugging it on over my hips… Pop. POP! Pop, POP, POP, pop, pop!! I heard all the stitching go. *frozen in shock* I looked up just in time to see a small smile flicker across the clerk’s mouth, kind of a “that’s the reason I wouldn’t let you try it on before you bought it because your American ass is too big for our one size fits all society.” *sigh* I couldn’t be upset. It wasn’t like I didn’t already know.

I did find a couple of gifts for the girls and even found a store with my name! (Jenny’s room) By the time we deemed our venture into public a success, my feet were killing me. I needed to go home. Yun Sook came back to Emo’s with me and we painted our nails. Well, she painted MY nails. Hers were already done. Then we all went out to dinner and burnt the meat in Heather’s honor. *laughs*