It’s a love/hate kind of a thing

Cognitive Dissonace. This is the psychological term that describes the excruciating tension one experiences when holding two conflicting ideas at the same time or when engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs. This is the only way I can describe what it feels like to grow up in two cultures. There is always inconsistency and discordance and trying to find common ground is like trying to find footing in quicksand.

I love being both Korean and American. I love being Korean because there is so much tradition and ritual that defines the people and the culture. I love the time that I spent here and my family is such a large part of me. There are basic convictions that I don’t even remember adopting because I was conditioned to them since birth, beliefs that I know as unquestionable. Yet my American side questions them. And although I love that about my other half, it plays havoc with my peace of mind and tears my heart to pieces.

My independence struggles with the need to conform. I respect my elders but also think they need to behave in a way to keep that respect. I bow my head and assent when I want to say no and I dig in my heels when I should give in graciously. Within me is still an angry five year old, learning that the world I live in only loves me for my looks and being thin is equivalent to perfection. Even after living in the States for years, I still struggle to accept the American idea of self esteem. I find it hard to love myself for who I am and not how people judge me.

When I am in America, I am set apart by what seems to be random moments of vicious conservativeness. But to me, they are not random. I may not be able to explain them but I know that somewhere there are people, what I consider my people, that also accept them to be true. Yet when I am here in Korea, these are not my people. I am set apart by my tattoos, the casual way I dress, how I laugh too loud in public, my openness in discussing any topic but mostly by the color of my skin. I don’t belong here either.

Being bi-racial is a blessing. It opens up doors to experiences in ways that are closed to others. You get to live the lives of two people. But that in itself is also the curse because those two people don’t always get along. And sometimes, they hate each other because there are issues you just cannot reconcile. Then you pick a side and hope you pick the right one, knowing that a part of you despises yourself for making that decision. This life is all-inclusive yet isolating, uplifting yet disheartening, freeing yet I am held captive.

Sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it? But that is why I love it here and hate it here. Why I’m still finding it hard to accept myself the way that I am because I still don’t know where I stand on certain issues. I feel like I’ve been afflicted with multiple personality disorder and yet I would do the same to my own children. Does that make any sense? The greater good of understanding two cultures is more important than the life of one individual. How is that for combining the Asian group mentality with American globalism?